The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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