cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
