gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
