I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
