last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
