well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
