I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.