I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
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Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
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It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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