I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
