I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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