fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.