you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
