Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
