great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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