I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
