i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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