I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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