I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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