If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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