Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
