Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My bed smells like the plague
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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