I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
