Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
