My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
