Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
