are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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