do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
