on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
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We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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