A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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