I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
