So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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