He uses pillows to masturbate.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
