just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
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you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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