i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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