You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
