I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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