If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
