drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
