please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
