yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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