Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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