I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
