my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
