Just cropdusted the office
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
