oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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