Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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