There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I need a burrito and a hug.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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