So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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