Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
