I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
