I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
