i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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