I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
