We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She even gives head with a lisp.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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