I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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