Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
