You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
