go do what you do best...puke behind churches
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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