if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
