captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
