He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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