I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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