A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
