I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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