She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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